The other day I was joined by a few friends for happy hour. And on my second Grey Goose cocktail, I began to trumpet about the awesomeness of single women. Now, I know I’m a married lady, and I love that man like a fat kid loves cake and that love isn’t going anywhere. But God forbid, if it did and Commander and I weren’t together anymore, my heart would definitely break – but you know what? I know I’d end up just fine.
I have many single friends, and truthfully, I can’t think of one that ever really complains about being single. Sure – they’d like to meet a guy. Be in a relationship. Have a S.O. to take to Christmas parties and to go to brunch on Sunday mornings. But it all seems like, to them, it would just be icing on their already beautifully designed, scrumptious designer cake. My single friends are solid and good with things just the way they are.
It took me getting married to realize I was like that, too. I spent so many god damn weeks and months crying over some stupid boy who I got caught up in, only to realize now what a schmuck he really was back then. Truth be told – he would probably now own up to it, too. Ah, yes, I was young and so was he. And people grow from their mistakes and blah blah blah….but if I could, if it were possible, to go back to my Twenty-Something-Muffy-Self and tell her SingleLife ain’t so bad and to keep her chin up, this is what I’d say:
Love Yourself First: That asshole you continually let booty-call you at 1:30AM? Not worth it. Years from now you’ll see he wasn’t a contender and beat yourself up for all the late night shagging you did just to keep him interested. Move on.
Ask Men Out: Seriously, why is this so poo-poo’d? I think this is a knock-out way for women to stay in control of their dating life. Why does it have to be anything more serious than just two friends getting together for a couple of beers and some football? I’m not gonna ask a guy out to the opera, but definitely to hockey game with free tickets I scored at work. Who really cares?
Date Multiple People at a Time: Remember the booty-call? Again, not worth it. If other guys want to take you out in the daylight – put on some lipgloss and go for it.
Stay in School – keep taking classes: Like you really need to drink EVERY night, Muffy. Be productive and keep your brain fresh. You’ll thank me later when you’re stuck in a job you hate because you don’t have an MBA.
Spend Just Enough Time With Married People: Not too much that you start to feel jealous of everything they have and want to rush yourself into a crappy marriage just to say you did it, but just enough time to feel a part of a cozy couple and sleep in front of a fireplace on the couch one night so you can appreciate your own single-freedom again.
Don’t Confuse Sex with Love: See Rule Number One. Obviously, this is a hard lesson for you to learn.
Make More Friends: Widen up your friendship circle and reach outside the bubble. Girls stand by each other (at least healthy normal girls do) and there is strength in numbers.
Be Happy: You may not look like Gisele, but dammit, you’re not a troll, either. Stop beating yourself up over a broken nose and 10 extra pounds. You get better as time goes on. And you can afford better make up. You finally discover the magic of a brow wax. Oh, and NEVER-EVER try Home Hair Care. You’ll end up with stripes like Siegfried and Roy’s army of tigers.
11.18.2009
11.11.2009
I am patriotic despite my angst in this open letter.
Dear Stock Market or Bond Market or whoever gets to decide what’s closed on national holidays,
Please inform my husband, Commander, that just because he’s got today off, it doesn’t mean that I should have to get ready for work in the dark. I have make up to put on and cute outfits to assemble. I cannot be expected to decipher between navy blue and black at 5:30AM in a dark bedroom. Does he want me going to work dressed up like a giant bruise? Isn’t it enough that I whipped my hair up into a ponytail today, to avoid my usual routine of a noisy hairdryer and curling iron? Sheesh, I should get some credit.
Besies, what gives with the bond market being closed today while the stock market is still open? Don’t these two markets kinda go together? Like peas and carrots, right? At least that’s how I imagine them. I think carrots would be pretty upset if peas always got holidays off. Carrots like to sleep in, too, ya know.
And while you’re at it, could you get Commander to whip something up for dinner tonight? Doesn’t seem fair that he gets the day off, gets to go play golf all afternoon and wants to come home to a hot dinner. He’ll get a hot slap across the face if he thinks that’s gonna happen. I mean, I’m already letting him go out of town for the weekend, does he think he gets to have everything?!
Men….you are so selfish.
Peace out,
Muffy
Please inform my husband, Commander, that just because he’s got today off, it doesn’t mean that I should have to get ready for work in the dark. I have make up to put on and cute outfits to assemble. I cannot be expected to decipher between navy blue and black at 5:30AM in a dark bedroom. Does he want me going to work dressed up like a giant bruise? Isn’t it enough that I whipped my hair up into a ponytail today, to avoid my usual routine of a noisy hairdryer and curling iron? Sheesh, I should get some credit.
Besies, what gives with the bond market being closed today while the stock market is still open? Don’t these two markets kinda go together? Like peas and carrots, right? At least that’s how I imagine them. I think carrots would be pretty upset if peas always got holidays off. Carrots like to sleep in, too, ya know.
And while you’re at it, could you get Commander to whip something up for dinner tonight? Doesn’t seem fair that he gets the day off, gets to go play golf all afternoon and wants to come home to a hot dinner. He’ll get a hot slap across the face if he thinks that’s gonna happen. I mean, I’m already letting him go out of town for the weekend, does he think he gets to have everything?!
Men….you are so selfish.
Peace out,
Muffy
11.05.2009
Tuck it and Fuck it.
Using my bra for more than just holding my girls in place is not anything to new me. I’ve been using my bra for good and evil for years now. If you ever saw the rack I had to carry around in high school, you’d see I could have used my bra for a gun holster, smuggle a fifth of vodka into the Back 40, a convenient pocket hold my smokes and my lighter or even as a hammock hanging from my shower rod for my baby kitten to rest her weary legs.
There are so many damn good uses for bras, Ladies, that it was only a matter of time before the remarkable people at TheRackTrap came up with this ingenious product.
I LOVE this product! (All my besties are getting one for Christmas!) This is a must-have for any Slut-On-The-Go. (You know who you are, I won’t say names.) Be honest, how many times have you pawned off your wallet to your girlfriend with the purse as big as her head, because you didn’t want to be bothered carrying a purse into the nightclub, only to get separated from your friend because you wanted to dance on the bar while sloppy drunk guys cheered you on and bought you shots of Red-Head Sluts (because if that super classy, dancing-on-the-bar stunt doesn’t scream “SLUT”, I don’t know what does), leaving you stranded without any cash, a credit card or even your damn ID? Suddenly you find yourself wanting to go home with Big Dick Daddy From Cincinnati, but your friend has long since ditched you because she was pissed she had to carry your damn 12 pound oversized wallet all night long!
What’s the answer to your problem, I ask? THERACKTRAP!! Think about it – a little cash, your driver’s license, a condom, and a stick a Trident and you’re set. It’s all about being safe, after all. Tuck it in your bra before you head out for the evening and your moody big purse carrying friend won’t have anything to bitch about the next time to ditch her to go home with the Big Loin From Des Moines.
Tuck it – Fuck it, Ladies!
There are so many damn good uses for bras, Ladies, that it was only a matter of time before the remarkable people at TheRackTrap came up with this ingenious product.
I LOVE this product! (All my besties are getting one for Christmas!) This is a must-have for any Slut-On-The-Go. (You know who you are, I won’t say names.) Be honest, how many times have you pawned off your wallet to your girlfriend with the purse as big as her head, because you didn’t want to be bothered carrying a purse into the nightclub, only to get separated from your friend because you wanted to dance on the bar while sloppy drunk guys cheered you on and bought you shots of Red-Head Sluts (because if that super classy, dancing-on-the-bar stunt doesn’t scream “SLUT”, I don’t know what does), leaving you stranded without any cash, a credit card or even your damn ID? Suddenly you find yourself wanting to go home with Big Dick Daddy From Cincinnati, but your friend has long since ditched you because she was pissed she had to carry your damn 12 pound oversized wallet all night long!
What’s the answer to your problem, I ask? THERACKTRAP!! Think about it – a little cash, your driver’s license, a condom, and a stick a Trident and you’re set. It’s all about being safe, after all. Tuck it in your bra before you head out for the evening and your moody big purse carrying friend won’t have anything to bitch about the next time to ditch her to go home with the Big Loin From Des Moines.
Tuck it – Fuck it, Ladies!
Nobody is paying me to write this about TheRackTrap either. Swear to God. I approached them because I think this is wicked cool and every girly should have one. Now, click the god damn link and order yourself up some purse - freedom.
10.30.2009
How Do Adult Women Make Friends?
I’ve been in my current city for well over a decade, and by now, I’ve created a great little inner circle of girlfriends who have nurtured me and supported me in countless ways. They’ve allowed me to be silly, gullible, misguided, heartbroken, tragic, serious, sophisticated and crazy. They’ve seen me through it all and they have stuck around – I couldn’t ask for a tighter more supportive group of girls than the ones I’m lucky enough to call my friends.
Yet, what does a woman do when she suddenly finds herself in a new city all on her own, no real friends in close proximity to call up and meet her for a glass of wine or to join her on a Sunday morning shopping trip to the outlet mall? And, for arguments sake, I’m referring to single women; single women without a boyfriend and without children to occupy their time. I mean bona-fide single women whose only long-term responsibility is to show up for work on Monday morning. Because if you’ve got a boyfriend or children, those are two very good resources to cultivate friendships (i.e. Girlfriends-in-law, Other Mommies from school or daycare – you know the drill). Women without these things might have a more difficult time finding other women they can connect with.
And I don’t mean rekindling friendships you’ve had from high school or people you’ve known in the past. I’m referring to the completely new friendship possibilities out there. And short of passing out Friendship Applications, I’m not sure there is an easy, acceptable way for women to make friends.
I remember a few years ago, I was trying to embark on a friendship with a group of girls who had all known each other from college, or high school, or some shit – I don’t remember. At first, they were very pleasant to me and included me in some of their activities and would email/phone/gossip whatever…but after a few short months, it felt like I had been ex-communicated from their tribe and I had no idea why. I racked my brain trying to determine if I came on too strong? Was I boring? Was I smelly? WTF, Ladies? At the time, it gave me a serious complex about how to approach women and ‘asking’ for friendship. It seemed like it was a game I wasn’t invited to play.
Later on, I learned that women can simply be bitches. Also, sometimes it’s easier just to stick with what’s comfortable and to avoid a situation where you have to be the nicest, most polite, most funny version of yourself for an entire evening to impress new prospects.
But what exactly is coming on too strong for women? Email? Phone calls? Woman Dates? I don’t really know the answer. I have a single friend who is in the situation of “New Girl In Town” and although, we are friends, I can’t spend 24 hours a day with her. (Trust me, she wouldn’t want to, either)
Got any advice?
Yet, what does a woman do when she suddenly finds herself in a new city all on her own, no real friends in close proximity to call up and meet her for a glass of wine or to join her on a Sunday morning shopping trip to the outlet mall? And, for arguments sake, I’m referring to single women; single women without a boyfriend and without children to occupy their time. I mean bona-fide single women whose only long-term responsibility is to show up for work on Monday morning. Because if you’ve got a boyfriend or children, those are two very good resources to cultivate friendships (i.e. Girlfriends-in-law, Other Mommies from school or daycare – you know the drill). Women without these things might have a more difficult time finding other women they can connect with.
And I don’t mean rekindling friendships you’ve had from high school or people you’ve known in the past. I’m referring to the completely new friendship possibilities out there. And short of passing out Friendship Applications, I’m not sure there is an easy, acceptable way for women to make friends.
I remember a few years ago, I was trying to embark on a friendship with a group of girls who had all known each other from college, or high school, or some shit – I don’t remember. At first, they were very pleasant to me and included me in some of their activities and would email/phone/gossip whatever…but after a few short months, it felt like I had been ex-communicated from their tribe and I had no idea why. I racked my brain trying to determine if I came on too strong? Was I boring? Was I smelly? WTF, Ladies? At the time, it gave me a serious complex about how to approach women and ‘asking’ for friendship. It seemed like it was a game I wasn’t invited to play.
Later on, I learned that women can simply be bitches. Also, sometimes it’s easier just to stick with what’s comfortable and to avoid a situation where you have to be the nicest, most polite, most funny version of yourself for an entire evening to impress new prospects.
But what exactly is coming on too strong for women? Email? Phone calls? Woman Dates? I don’t really know the answer. I have a single friend who is in the situation of “New Girl In Town” and although, we are friends, I can’t spend 24 hours a day with her. (Trust me, she wouldn’t want to, either)
Got any advice?
10.29.2009
It's Catty Thursday.
Dear Commander,
I got an idea, and I want you to go along with it, mmmkay?
Let ME write the alimony checks every month.
Wouldn’t that be so awesome?! It’s the most clever idea ever. I promise I won’t be vindictive or malicious or anything like that. I wouldn’t dream of writing “Because you’re a lazy fuzz mouth bitch who’s too good to get a job” in the Memo section. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to make the check out to “Sorry Ass Representative for Women’s Independence”. It's not my place to tell your ex-wife that Beyonce would definitely not consider her a "Survivor".
Trust me that would never happen. Like ever. I would be completely profesh and wife-like. I might even pop in a little note to say Hello! and ask her if the affair was worth it and how's that working out for her. See? I can be nice.
Kisses,
Muffy
I got an idea, and I want you to go along with it, mmmkay?
Let ME write the alimony checks every month.
Wouldn’t that be so awesome?! It’s the most clever idea ever. I promise I won’t be vindictive or malicious or anything like that. I wouldn’t dream of writing “Because you’re a lazy fuzz mouth bitch who’s too good to get a job” in the Memo section. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to make the check out to “Sorry Ass Representative for Women’s Independence”. It's not my place to tell your ex-wife that Beyonce would definitely not consider her a "Survivor".
Trust me that would never happen. Like ever. I would be completely profesh and wife-like. I might even pop in a little note to say Hello! and ask her if the affair was worth it and how's that working out for her. See? I can be nice.
Kisses,
Muffy
10.26.2009
Keeping your head up....
Where did this weekend go? Now that it gets dark around 6:30pm where I live, the days seem to vaporize faster than my will-power at a cupcake bar. Or a regular bar. Heck, even a juice bar. I’m not that disciplined. Pretty much anywhere that I can stuff my face and look like a pig, I’ve got very little restraint. Of which, I’m sure you could have guessed about me.
However, despite my short cupcake filled weekend, I did get a chance to catch up with two lovely friends. I’ve got this new snazzy Bluetooth feature in my car where I can talk on the phone without actually having to be on the phone. It’s super awesome and I heart it so much. We go together like peas and carrots. Anyway, after eating all my cupcakes, I had a chance to reflect on both of my conversations from the weekend, and was very dismayed when I realized that both of my friends are experiencing the similar dramatics.
Their friends are treating them like shit. And, from what I understand, making no effort to sugar-coat their assholery behavior. Not whatsoever. One friend feels completely used by her high school friends, and even when she recalled the story to me, she was still so emotionally raw over it, that it brought her to tears. Apparently, her friends have been taking advantage of her and now that the habit is in motion, she doesn’t know how to stop it.
Another friend recently revealed to her friends she was pregnant. I’d already known for a little while so when I called her on Saturday to check up on how she was feeling, she told me she physically felt fine, but emotionally she was confused as hell. (Shocking for a pregnant woman, I know.) But not for the normal hormonal reasons you would think. My friend is just a hair over three months pregnant. She has only been married for five months, so one would think that she had very little trouble getting pregnant. She decides to have a glass of red wine one night when she was out to dinner with her friends, and one of those friends took great offense, and went on a smear campaign against my friend. The lady with the big mouth has been trying to get pregnant for six months and felt my friend was inappropriate and selfish. My feelings are, “Ok, fine. You didn’t like she had a glass of wine for personal reasons, but does that give you license to go around and trash your friend?”
I don’t like these discoveries. I have never understood why women do this sort of thing to each other. Women friendships can be the most fulfilling and satisfying relationships we may ever have, yet sometimes the women in these relationships prove to be the most hostile, vulnerable and destructive of personalities. These women are like vultures, waiting to dive bomb on a vulnerability and begin picking away at the carcass to find any leftover meat to satisfy themselves. It’s very sad to hear these stories of women bullying other women, because I really believed that women build each other up, instead of tearing one another down. I believe in Girl Power and sticking together and being there for the women in our lives. It’s in my friendship contract. No backstabbing or talking shit about me. You got something to say? Hit me with it because I’m a big girl and I can take it. Don’t second guess me like that.
I didn’t know how to appease my friends, other than to remind them to surround themselves with women who will have their best interests at heart. Be aware of the failing friends that you keep within your circle and remind yourself that it’s okay to flush away the ones who don’t reciprocate your friendship. It may be a hard adjustment at first, but until your treat yourself the way others should treat you, they’ve got no reason to do so.
However, despite my short cupcake filled weekend, I did get a chance to catch up with two lovely friends. I’ve got this new snazzy Bluetooth feature in my car where I can talk on the phone without actually having to be on the phone. It’s super awesome and I heart it so much. We go together like peas and carrots. Anyway, after eating all my cupcakes, I had a chance to reflect on both of my conversations from the weekend, and was very dismayed when I realized that both of my friends are experiencing the similar dramatics.
Their friends are treating them like shit. And, from what I understand, making no effort to sugar-coat their assholery behavior. Not whatsoever. One friend feels completely used by her high school friends, and even when she recalled the story to me, she was still so emotionally raw over it, that it brought her to tears. Apparently, her friends have been taking advantage of her and now that the habit is in motion, she doesn’t know how to stop it.
Another friend recently revealed to her friends she was pregnant. I’d already known for a little while so when I called her on Saturday to check up on how she was feeling, she told me she physically felt fine, but emotionally she was confused as hell. (Shocking for a pregnant woman, I know.) But not for the normal hormonal reasons you would think. My friend is just a hair over three months pregnant. She has only been married for five months, so one would think that she had very little trouble getting pregnant. She decides to have a glass of red wine one night when she was out to dinner with her friends, and one of those friends took great offense, and went on a smear campaign against my friend. The lady with the big mouth has been trying to get pregnant for six months and felt my friend was inappropriate and selfish. My feelings are, “Ok, fine. You didn’t like she had a glass of wine for personal reasons, but does that give you license to go around and trash your friend?”
I don’t like these discoveries. I have never understood why women do this sort of thing to each other. Women friendships can be the most fulfilling and satisfying relationships we may ever have, yet sometimes the women in these relationships prove to be the most hostile, vulnerable and destructive of personalities. These women are like vultures, waiting to dive bomb on a vulnerability and begin picking away at the carcass to find any leftover meat to satisfy themselves. It’s very sad to hear these stories of women bullying other women, because I really believed that women build each other up, instead of tearing one another down. I believe in Girl Power and sticking together and being there for the women in our lives. It’s in my friendship contract. No backstabbing or talking shit about me. You got something to say? Hit me with it because I’m a big girl and I can take it. Don’t second guess me like that.
I didn’t know how to appease my friends, other than to remind them to surround themselves with women who will have their best interests at heart. Be aware of the failing friends that you keep within your circle and remind yourself that it’s okay to flush away the ones who don’t reciprocate your friendship. It may be a hard adjustment at first, but until your treat yourself the way others should treat you, they’ve got no reason to do so.
10.22.2009
Minneapolis listed in the Nation's Top Ten Places to Meet Single Men
Click here to read where to find single men.
I'm so proud that our little metropolis made the list. Now put on some lipgloss and go find one! And don't come home until your sore.
I'm so proud that our little metropolis made the list. Now put on some lipgloss and go find one! And don't come home until your sore.
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