Thank You. I adore you. Be Well and Be Slutty.

Ed McMahon

Farrah Fawcett

Michael Jackson

Billy Mays

Muffy Willowbrook

Hi Everyone, I'm definitely NOT writing this from the grave. I'm alive and well! Truth is, things have gone stale around here lately because I am ramping up to go back to work full time and I'm working on going back to school and becoming a bona fide writer. I've been writing here for two years and I'm so fond of my readers. I laugh and cherish every comment you've sprinkled my way. (Despite my own laziness to leave comments.) I'll keep up with your blogs and you may see me again, but until then, know this; You've all made a positive impact on my life and I want to thank you personally for all the support and concern you've shown me, especially with the loss of my dad, etc. (I think there's a story in there somewhere.....) And damn if this pic wouldn't make a great book jacket! I love that idea!!

People are concerned about my vaginal health.

A forwarded email from Bestie:

To: Muffy
From: Bestie

Is it creepy that my sister is thinking about your vag?

To: Bestie
From: Bestie's Sister

I found this article on MSN and thought of Muffy!

Thanks for thinking of me and my vag, Bestie's Sister. We're both so tickled you thought of us.

7 Deadlies....

Little Miss Blogger set me a fire...

Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each deadly sin) and hope they can lie.

Pride:
What is your biggest contribution to the world?
The world would literally be lost without my penmanship. I write very pretty.
Envy
What do your coworkers have that you wish was yours?
Their inability to empty the dishwasher. Which likely stems from their inability to determine clean dishes from dirty ones.
Gluttony
What did you eat last night?Everything but the little kid from the end of my street. His legs look like little chicken drummies.
Lust
What really lights your fire?
Super drunk guys that drool and slap my bubbies like a pinball machine.
Anger
What is the last thing that really pissed you off?
My Beanie Babies. They never clean up after themselves.
Greed
Name something you hoard and keep from others:
My intellect. I can’t spare to share any.
Sloth
What’s the laziest thing you ever did?
Crapped my pants because the bathroom was all the way upstairs.

Sometimes I think my ego leads me down dark paths.

In my never ending quest to widdle my middle, I took a big leap of faith and decided to follow the advise of a friend and made an appointment with a plastic surgeon. Don’t be so shocked, I’m no stranger to plastic surgery. I had a breast reduction many years ago, and frankly, some of my friends who are years younger than me, are already implementing Botox shots and laser treatments in their monthly beauty routines. I thought they were way too young to worry about any of that stuff, but they assure me women our age and even younger ones are experimenting with different sorts of age defying techniques.

While I’m not so concerned with age marching it’s way across my face, I am getting a little annoyed with a waist line that has a mind of it’s own. I work out a lot. Five to six times a week; running, weights, circuit training – you name it. And on top of that, I make it a point to do the physical stuff at home that needs to get done, too. For instance, Commander and I put in a retaining wall this weekend. Not exactly my first choice for a Saturday afternoon, but it needed to get done and I was there to help with the heavy lifting. And despite how active I am and how much I work out, my belly is defiant and the bane of my existence. It will not change it’s shape, it will not lay flat, and it refuses to reveal the six pack that’s under the layer of blubber I’ve worked so hard to achieve. (In all seriousness, I’ve worked out for 4 years straight and I have had this same abdomen for years. I figured out that I’ve run over 560 miles since the first of the year and it pisses me off I still don’t have a body I feel comfortable shoving into a two piece suit.)

So, off to the doctor I go. He looked just like Richard Gere and couldn’t have been more patient with my questions. He understood my hesitation and explained the risks to me over and over. He asked me to show him my “areas of concern” and he even giggled when I said to him, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” He was a very nice guy. Until that is, he started to point out about a dozen places where I should get liposuction. I was really only focused on my lower abdomen, but apparently, he thinks I should have him suck out every fat cell over my entire body. At one point, he even spun me around and grabbed the fat above my hips (which I never really thought of as fat-ty) with both hands and dug his fingers in deep and shook the fat from my bones. “See all this?”, he said, and shook my love handles even harder. “All this should come off,” and then he turned me around again and starting flicking my belly fat with his thumb and middle finger. I went from being in awe of this doctor to slightly annoyed in about 3 seconds flat. I don’t even let Commander touch where I keep my fat, so for this guy to have his Hey-Dey with it and flick it around like it was a carnival ride was a little much.

I haven’t decided if I’m actually going to go through with it yet, although I will say the idea is very intriguing to me. The procedure isn’t as invasive as traditional lipo, but still….it’s paying somebody to cut into my body, which seems very abnormal to me.

Have any of you ever done something like this? Or wished you would?

I don't know why I even have opinions about these people, I dont' know them from a hole in the wall.

So, I'm a day late with the Housewives finale, but I wanted to watch it uninterrupted, which means waiting until Men's Golf League at the club so Commander is gone and not all up in my face giving me shit for watching mindless TV.

All season long I have been salivating in anticipation over the table flipping scene. I knew Bravo would wait until the season finale to air this delicious moment, but I had a very hard time waiting it out! (Does anybody else think the New Jersey housewives got the short end of the stick known as the Bravo Housewives Franchise with only 6 episodes?! I kinda do..... Did they not think that Jersey Girls could live up to Hot-Lanta's Hot Messes?! Um... YEAH, THEY DO!) I have never been to Jersey, nor do I know anyone from Jersey, but something about this select group of women really pulled me in.

Teresa is my fave - love-love-love her! I even went to her website and bought myself a cute little Happy Wife Happy Life t-shirt. She's awesome - she's a sweetheart and funny, but she keeps it real. If you piss her off, she definitely has the potential to kick some ass, but you'd never know it since she really just wants to have fun and be a good mom. I like.

Caroline and Dina can obviously cause some trouble of their own, but I don't think they have the kind of malice the crazy Psycho Danielle thinks they have. Dina and Caroline seem the normal family that would stick up for one another. Nothing wrong with that.

Which by the way, Danielle? - let me just comment on how toxic this fuzz mouth bitch is. I read her blog on BravoTV.com (shut up, sometimes work is boring) and this woman is all kinds of stupid. First of all, anyone who has to shout out from the rooftops that she's put all the bad feelings and bad people behind her and is flushing the negative crap out of her life, only to immediately turn over to GOD and will only let in positive ju-ju in and now suddenly realizes her who true friends are seems a little like a wing-nut to me. I hate it when women declare shit like that, because it seems so inauthentic and insincere, that I just want to give her a crusty look and spit on her shoes. How convenient is it for a coke whore stripper to suddenly find Jesus when her entire world blows up and coincidentally she finds herself backed into a corner, minus a few of her closest friends? Yeah, no shit you found religion, Sherlock. Go pray to someone who won't talk back to you so you can convince yourself your saved. Brilliant plan. And maybe that's a little harsh, but come on.... People who stumble upon God and religion only when it serves them at the time really piss me off. Not that I'm a devout Catholic or anything, but it's not like cramming for a test, ok? Check with this fame whore a year from now and see if she still is hitting Mass every Sunday. She even looks psycho.

Ok, I'm done. I gotta get back to work.

My Hollywood Double

Has anyone ever told you, that you remind them of this star, or a certain actor or actress?

Well, I guess Jillian Harris, this season's Bachelorette, is my Hollywood Double. I've had two different peoeple tell me this in the last two weeks.

I don't watch this show anymore ( I had to break up with this show after that Bob Guinney dork picked some lame chic that I didn't like) and I don't know who Jillian is.

However, if my friends and family think I look like this girl, then they are giving me alot more credit than I deserve. This girl is super attractive and pulls together well. Even on my best day, I still look like Rocky Dennis. (if you don't know who that is, look it up.)

Many Thanks...

Everytime I checked my Crackberry this weekend, I got another comment or email from you all - and I can't tell you how loved I feel that you guys had nothing but encouraging and hopeful things to say about losing my biological father. I had a big family wedding this weekend, and there were moments when I was overcome with emotion when I'd let myself think about him, but with the wedding and with your sweet comments - I was able to breath a little easier. Thanks everyone! It means the world to me!

And now it's Monday morning and I'm back at work. I feel like the weekend swallowed me up and spit me out. The wedding and all the festivities were alot of fun, but it was exhausting! I'm still tired. I drank my balls off every night for the last 4 nights - oh and tack another night on for when I found out about my dad, and now I'm sitting in my office run down and drinking hot tea because I have the makings of a cold/sore throat settling in. Damn brain - it won't let me sleep at night and keeps humming and churning over shit I can't fix. Sometimes I wish I could just pull my brain out when I lay down to sleep and set it on the nightstand, so it's there for me in the morning.

And as far as standing up there next to my super skinny cousins, all dressed in the same dress, all I have to say is that I got through it. I was clearly the BIGGEST bridesmaids, but there was nothing I can do. And don't think I didn't try; the handful of Correctal over the last few days did nothing for my pudge - it just made me gassy and my stomach cramped up. I was the only one wearing industrial strength Spanx. And of course one of them eats almost three pieces of cake at the reception, and I swear if she got up to go get one more piece of cake, I was going to grab her plate and smear that cake all over her smug mug.

Okay - maybe I have some insecurity issues. And possibly anger issues, too. But I'm totally going to forgive myself because I think all that is natural when you're the fat bridesmaid.